You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes
make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to
damage them. They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them. In
fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes they receive and send them back
to the original givers the next year; some fruitcakes have been passed back
and forth for hundreds of years.
The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound
some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.
— Dave Barry, “Simple, Homespun Gifts”